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Completely off topic from my previous post but what the hell, i felt like sharing.
I like dogs.
I just want to make that perfectly clear before you read this and automatically
assume that I hate dogs.
I don’t…honestly.
I have a dog. Well actually no, I
tell a lie, what I have is a dog that belongs to my parents but has insisted
upon attaching herself to me with zero provocation.
No bacon in the
pockets or anything.
Perhaps
it would be a good idea to mention now that this dog is particularly clever,
she’s a 15 month old Collie cross Labrador and I adore her, but she is NOT my
dog, she is most definitely my mother’s dog. Supposedly.
Her attachment to
me was pretty much instantaneous from the moment she arrived in the family
abode, she followed me everywhere. A little bundle of black fur all paws and
eyes and at first I found it sweet, adorable, even a little flattering. But
then I started wondering (as I’m sure most people do when suddenly presented
with unwarranted and unaccountable affection) why me? And once I started
thinking about it in greater depth, none of the possible reasons for her
attachment that I came up with were at all flattering, or adorable, or sweet.
Reason number one: Collie’s and Labrador’s are well
known for being aid and guide dogs to the blind and the epileptic, they can
also sense when someone is about to have a stroke, when there’s going to be an
earthquake or when someone’s about to go into labour etc. so in short, being
followed around by my new ‘pal’ feels something akin to being stalked by the
grim reaper.
Reason number two: Do dogs look after the weakest in
their pack the most? I’m not sure about this but my suspicions were triggered
by the sorrowful and often pitying looks she gives me e.g. the time I threw her
ball and it ended up in a bush that was behind
me and her pitying and sorrowful looks lasted the entire twenty minutes it took
for me to find said ball.
As I
said, I don’t know if this is a bona fide doggy type fact but if they do in
fact do this, then it is insulting and makes me feel as though I’ve been put on
the special bus.
Reason number three: She feels most connected with me as
she feels we are on a similar level intellectually – again, this is insulting.
Reason number four: Wherever I am there is likely to be
food involved.
True, but still...
Whatever the
reason, it led to one of the worst night’s sleep I’ve ever had in my life. Last
night, my parents went to bed and as usual she came into my room to chill with
me for an hour before I went to bed at which point normally (after much
discussion, bribery and foot-on-dogs-backside action) she goes back to her bed
in my parent’s room.
Last
night, this did not happen.
Last
night she caught me when I was weak, vulnerable and tired from a stupid day at
work. By the time I was ready for bed she was fast asleep and looked so cosy, I
fooled myself that tonight it would be different from all the other hundreds of
nights she’s slept in my bed and driven me round the proverbial bend. Tonight
she would sleep right through the night I told myself, she would sleep on the
corner of the bed and take up none of my space I told myself.
I was, in short, a fool.
As
I write this now I feel even more of a fool for ever thinking this as she is
currently laid across my body (acting as a sort of table for my laptop) and she
has the hiccups. I didn’t even know that dogs could get hiccups but this one
does. Maybe she’s some form of sub terrestrial dog, or has special dog DNA, or
was made in a lab and is actually crossed between a Collie, a Labrador and a
hiccup.
But I digress. As I was saying last night, I caved.
Things
started off pretty well, I kept to my side (the left hand side next to the wall)
and she kept to her side (the other side). It took me half an hour longer to
get to sleep then usual but I managed it. Things were going alright, I was
asleep, dreaming inconsequential happy dreams but was rudely awoken by a claw
that seemed to be attempting to rid my face of its skin. Once I’d established I
wasn’t being mauled or attacked by some kind of bird of prey I discovered that
what she wanted was a cuddle. So we had a cuddle. I fell back to sleep to which
the dog took great offense and proceeded to lay on the full length of my body
thus (I think) attempting to suffocate me. Once I’d regained the ability to
breathe, she wanted to get under the covers – this was at about 1.30 am by the
way – and she lay behind me with her nose on my shoulder, breathing somewhat
noisily into my ear. Again, this was manageable.
Then she decided she wanted to be laid the
other way so after much shuffling and burrowing, eventually we were topping and
tailing. At which point she took it into her head that I might enjoy a foot
bath. I did not. She also thought my entire bed and my right ankle and forearm
might enjoy a wash. They did not. Why my ankle and forearm, I don’t know and
received only a pitying look when I asked her.
Eventually
the bathing stopped and the old ‘too hot, too cold’ routine started, basically
meaning she gets under the covers for ten minutes then gets out and lays on top
of them, then under, then on top, then under, then on top and so on and so
forth.
I can sleep through this for the most part, but what I don’t sleep
through are her ‘doggy dreams’. You know the ones, the ones where their chasing
something and their legs ‘run’. Which is great fun when their feet are at your
back and is especially fun when they let out that sudden bark when their dream
rabbit has just gotten away from them and you about shit yourself.
Anyhow, eventually she
stopped this and I slept for maybe half an hour until with a huff, she got up
and howled until I let her out of my room. When I eventually dragged myself
from my now rather damp bed to open the door for her, I was met with a look of
such disdain the like of which I’ve never known.
As if I was somehow the duvet
stealer!
So what have
I learnt? Well I’ve learnt that I’m about to be the victim of some kind of
impending doom, I have the brain development of a dog and I make an awful bed
companion.
But what I know now is that this must stop, I must be firm, put down
my foot (preferably the one without the ankle covered in canine saliva) and
eschew this dog with a firm hand. I must regain my previous position as at least
the third most senior member of the household and reaffirm to her that I am the
leader and she is the follower.
Yes, I feel
more empowered and in charge already but a lead has just been flung in my
general direction. I think my reaffirming and regaining will have to wait until
after my dog has dragged me out into the night in the middle of winter.
